Introducing the Footlong Cheeseburger

Carl's Jr. has blessed us with a new extreme in fast food dining: The Footlong Cheeseburger. This new addition to the world of fatty monstrosities consists of a 12" long hoagie- type bun, with 3 regular beef patties lined up inside, and your regular burger condiments. Because one burger isn't enough for most people anymore, we need to order three of them all lined up in one bun.

Folks, if you are that hungry, why not just order three of the regular 4" burgers? Do people feel the need to declare to the world, "I am so hungry that I need to eat this Frankenstein burger?" I'm starting to think that these new extreme menu items are less for gustatory need and more for shock value.

The reviews I have read all say that this item is basically just a regular burger, stretched out. There is no special sauce or anything different that sets it apart from other Carl's Jr. burgers other than its length. So if you want people to look at you and say "whoah that person must be so hungry," try the new Carl's Jr. Footlong Cheeseburger.

Grilled Cheese Burgermelt? F’real?

It has come to my attention that there is a new menu item at the Friendly’s restaurant chain. I have never been to one, but it seems like your average family restaurant with burgers, salads, soups etc. Anyway, this new food item is actually a couple of food items rolled into one. Using two grilled cheese sandwiches as the buns framing a ground beef patty with some lettuce and tomato for color, the Grilled Cheese Burgermelt is sure to incite worry in the hearts of those whose hearts already have issues. In fact, it might cause a few palpitations in people who did not have any previous heart problems; mine is beating faster than normal after just looking at a photo of this “meal.”

The nutrition information on Friendly’s website indicates that this sandwich/ burger thing has 1,500 calories and 97 grams of fat. In one sandwich? Are you serious? That is enough fat for one full-grown adult for two days! And they are serving it in one meal! No, not even a meal. The main course! The average person will probably have fries and a beverage with this. Oh, my poor (albeit healthy) heart is beating so fast right now and I am nauseous just thinking about it. Once, when I was younger and thinner, my friend and I cooked and ate an entire package of bacon hoping for a miracle hangover cure one morning, and my heart went crazy with all of that fat and cholesterol. It’s doing that right now, and I have not even tasted this grilled cheese/ burger bastard child.

Yes, this monstrosity looks interesting and if I had a Friendly’s nearby, I might be tempted to try it (just a bite or two), but it really should never have been made. I hate being negative, but I am really afraid that this food item might cause immediate heart problems. Honestly, there should be a disclaimer on it: “Warning: Consuming this product might overload your body with calories, fat, and cholesterol. Consume at your own risk.”

At the very least, they should offer free Alka Seltzer to the people who order it.