Tofutti Cuties!

It's really hot outside. I live in the desert of the great southwest and the temperatures that we see here get ridiculously high this time of year. Summer refreshment in the form of some kind of cold treat is high on everyone's list, but the calories and fat that often go hand and hand with the word "treat" are not so popular. Another problem that many people find is that dairy is just too heavy on their digestive system. Have no fear; I have found our savior! Tofutti Cuties! These mini ice cream sandwiches are dairy- free, super chilly, and I promise that they do not taste like they are good for you! But they are!

Check out their website here. My favorite is the mint chocolate chip, but I have not tasted them all, yet. I would spend a bunch of time typing up the nutrition information for you, but I figured I could just show you this, instead:

Introducing the Footlong Cheeseburger

Carl's Jr. has blessed us with a new extreme in fast food dining: The Footlong Cheeseburger. This new addition to the world of fatty monstrosities consists of a 12" long hoagie- type bun, with 3 regular beef patties lined up inside, and your regular burger condiments. Because one burger isn't enough for most people anymore, we need to order three of them all lined up in one bun.

Folks, if you are that hungry, why not just order three of the regular 4" burgers? Do people feel the need to declare to the world, "I am so hungry that I need to eat this Frankenstein burger?" I'm starting to think that these new extreme menu items are less for gustatory need and more for shock value.

The reviews I have read all say that this item is basically just a regular burger, stretched out. There is no special sauce or anything different that sets it apart from other Carl's Jr. burgers other than its length. So if you want people to look at you and say "whoah that person must be so hungry," try the new Carl's Jr. Footlong Cheeseburger.

Free Slurpees! No Way? Yes Way!

Everyone's favorite convenience store, 7- Eleven, is celebrating the day (July 11th, i.e. 7/11) by giving away free Slurpees. To further tribute its name, the size chosen for these free- no purchase necessary- Slurpees is, you guessed it, 7.11 ounces. How clever. The no purchase necessary part is what really surprises me. I actually want to drive by my nearest 7-11 and see if there are long lines; it is over 100 degrees Fahrenheit here today and I'm sure there are many people who would love a free icy beverage.

This offer is going on until 10 pm tonight, wherever 7-11 exists. If you don't know where your nearest 7-11 is, use this store locator to find it. Good luck, and happy hydrating!

San Francisco Bans Soda, And Replaces It With Soy Milk

When I first read that all soda and sugary juice- type drinks have been banned from San Francisco vending machines located on city property, I was not surprised. I live in a red state where steak houses and SUVs are plentiful, so anytime that I visit the San Francisco Bay area I take notice of all of the intense differences between Northern California and the state that I live in. San Francisco has mandatory composting, but none of my friends or family even recycles where I live. San Francisco roads are deluged with hybrid vehicles, but the roads of my state are crammed with gas- guzzling trucks and SUVs. Basically, anytime I hear of something that concerns the environment or healthy eating, I am not surprised if it came out of San Francisco.

The majority of people in my state would find this change insanely ridiculous, and as it turns out, 42% of San Franciscans are "furious" that the city will no longer make sugar- filled beverages available on city property. I am sure that many of those people are pleased to have access to soy milk and rice milk in vending machines, so the complaint does not stem from the product replacing the sugar. It seems to me that in addition to worrying about saving the world and taking care of their bodies, the hippie spirit of San Franciscans also demands freedom of choice and resists being controlled by any sort of government embargo.

So, way to go City of San Francisco! By doing something you thought most San Franciscans would support in terms of healthfulness, you inadvertently aggravated them and smothered their hippie spirit by taking away their freedom of choice!

They were probably all bringing their own containers of soy milk with them whenever they visited city property, anyway.

Candwich? A Canned Sandwich? Please, no.

In our current times, some people are wondering a little bit about the world situation and whether or not 2012 might change the world as we know it. For those who hold stock in some of the theories floating around, stock piling non- perishable goods is going to be an essential part of the preparation for whatever it is that we might be facing. It will be nice to have a wide variety of foods to put away, and I am sure that new ideas are popping up all of the time.

Canned food is great. It can be stored for years without the consumer worrying about it perishing, and it stacks really efficiently. Soups, fruits, vegetables, juice, and soda are some of the delicacies that enjoy being packaged and stored in metal cans, but now we have another meal to enjoy out of metal: bbq chicken sandwiches. Yes, you read that correctly. In fact, in addition to the bbq chicken sandwiches in a can, you can also get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a can with your choice of either strawberry or grape jelly. Yes, I am serious.

So far, there are very few details known about what this is going to actually be like; is it going to be already assembled inside of the can? Won't the moisture of the sandwich filling make the bread completely mushy? What kind of preservation chemicals will be used? Is it going to be loosely flopping around? Or will it be tightly packed and sort of pop out when the can is opened in the same way those biscuit dough cans do?

According to the front of the can, there is also going to be a surprise toy inside. Ahhhhh. Another example of using toys to lure kids into the world of laziness and junk food consumption. Well, kids and college students.

I am morbidly interested in this, and like the grilled cheese/ cheeseburger bastard offspring mentioned a few days ago, I would probably try it if I had the opportunity. I would pray, however, that no one in my house liked it so I would never have to buy it again and it would never be in my home again. Because really, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is the easiest meal in the world to make, and if someone is too lazy to make one, they don't deserve one. I'll stick to canned green beans and peaches in my emergency survival kit, thank you.

Lindsay Lohan Sentenced to 90 days in Jail

Just 2 questions... can we have our Kombucha back now? And what on earth are we going to do with all of that extra vodka sitting on shelves?

Vita Coco! Another Hydration Gimmick?

So many people complain about having to drink water. So many people complain about hating the taste of water. We have to drink it to survive, and it seems that unless something tastes like a flavor explosion on your tongue, people have a hard time swallowing it. There are many beverages with rich flavor aimed at hydrating us without the tasteless pain of drinking plain water, but this new one, Vita Coco, claims to be just like sticking a straw in a coconut. I will admit that I have been drinking this beverage lately, not for the hydration, but for the taste and low calorie content.

These little 17 ounce cartons of “coconut water” contain only 60 calories, no fat, and are full of vitamins. Sounds great to me. I also like that it is found in the health food section of my local grocery store; it must be good for me then, right? It has been popping up in various news sources lately, especially because celebrities have been seen drinking it. Madonna even loves it! And we all know that Madonna knows everything there is to know about being healthy, right? And according to this article, Matthew McConaughey and Demi Moore have invested in the company. Wow. Coconut water. Who would have guessed?

The list of ingredients on the back only lists coconut water, unless you are drinking a flavored version, such as acai & pomegranate, pineapple, peach & mango, or tangerine, which all have additives from those respective fruits. Coconut water is the liquid found inside a coconut after it is cracked open. This differs from coconut milk in that the milk is derived from the pulp and oils of the coconut, which leave it with a much higher fat content than the fat free water offers. It is also very good for athletes as its potassium content helps with muscle cramps.

Hey, if this is all true, we should all be drinking pure coconut water. Fat free, full of vitamins, tastes great, and it hydrates. What more could we ask for?

Takeru “The Tsunami” Kobayashi- Let Him Eat!

Poor Kobi. The 32 year old eating contest champion was arrested on the Fourth of July just for wanting to eat some Nathan’s hot dogs. After some contractual problems (contracts for eating?!) Kobayashi was banned from a hot dog eating contest in New York, but he decided to show up anyway to cheer on his buddies. When an overzealous crowd just couldn’t handle not seeing Kobi onstage sucking down dogs, they chanted and urged him up to climb up onstage. As soon as Kobi got onstage, he was arrested and taken to jail, where he spent the night with only a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and glass of milk.

First off, I don’t care if Kobayashi is from another country, every single person deserves to eat some Nathan’s hot dogs on the Fourth of July. EVERYONE! Second, is jail really the answer? It’s not like Kobi was waving a gun around and screaming “let me eat hot dogs or I will shoot you all!” What a waste of tax dollars. And poor Kobi was probably really hungry in the slammer with so very little to eat!

And by the way, these competitive eaters are always strangely thin. How does that work? Anyone know? Oh and for those of you who are interested, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut won the competition.

Grilled Cheese Burgermelt? F’real?

It has come to my attention that there is a new menu item at the Friendly’s restaurant chain. I have never been to one, but it seems like your average family restaurant with burgers, salads, soups etc. Anyway, this new food item is actually a couple of food items rolled into one. Using two grilled cheese sandwiches as the buns framing a ground beef patty with some lettuce and tomato for color, the Grilled Cheese Burgermelt is sure to incite worry in the hearts of those whose hearts already have issues. In fact, it might cause a few palpitations in people who did not have any previous heart problems; mine is beating faster than normal after just looking at a photo of this “meal.”

The nutrition information on Friendly’s website indicates that this sandwich/ burger thing has 1,500 calories and 97 grams of fat. In one sandwich? Are you serious? That is enough fat for one full-grown adult for two days! And they are serving it in one meal! No, not even a meal. The main course! The average person will probably have fries and a beverage with this. Oh, my poor (albeit healthy) heart is beating so fast right now and I am nauseous just thinking about it. Once, when I was younger and thinner, my friend and I cooked and ate an entire package of bacon hoping for a miracle hangover cure one morning, and my heart went crazy with all of that fat and cholesterol. It’s doing that right now, and I have not even tasted this grilled cheese/ burger bastard child.

Yes, this monstrosity looks interesting and if I had a Friendly’s nearby, I might be tempted to try it (just a bite or two), but it really should never have been made. I hate being negative, but I am really afraid that this food item might cause immediate heart problems. Honestly, there should be a disclaimer on it: “Warning: Consuming this product might overload your body with calories, fat, and cholesterol. Consume at your own risk.”

At the very least, they should offer free Alka Seltzer to the people who order it.

Kombucha... Goodbye My Friend.

I could take this space to complain about Lindsay Lohan’s alcohol violation and its alleged role in pulling my favorite tea off of shelves, but the owner of the company and Lindsay herself are denying that drinking Kombucha, which has trace amounts of alcohol, contributed to this recall.

I discovered Kombucha about a year ago, interested in the apparent health benefits that the label offered. This fermented tea- which first appeared in Russia in the 19th century- contains a fair amount of yeast and bacteria, and sometimes forms a semi solid fungal mass in the beverage. Also known as “mushroom tea” because of the presence of this floating fungus, Kombucha was offered in many flavors such as mango, grape, cranberry, and ginger. I will admit that the first time I drank Kombucha I was driving, and after consuming half of the bottle, my muscles started feeling that familiar numbing effect that I get when I start drinking a cocktail. A closer look at the label informed me that there are trace amounts of alcohol in the beverage. I wondered if I could get a DUI or an open container citation for drinking it while driving. The tea was stored with the juices and sodas at AJ’s, the upscale market where I purchased it, so surely it isn’t really considered alcoholic. But that was a year ago, and nothing has been reported about this new tea on the market and the possibility of intoxicating an unsuspecting thirsty person.

Fast forward to June 2010. Lindsay Lohan is forced to wear an alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet, known as a SCRAM device, and is photographed all over Los Angeles drinking Kombucha. The tabloids have a field day accusing her of guzzling this tea because it has trace amounts of alcohol and could help an alcoholic with detoxing withdrawals. When Lindsay’s SCRAM was activated by some vodka that she just couldn’t keep her hands off of at a party after the MTV Movie Awards, people speculated that she would blame it on the fermented tea. But she didn’t. And it turns out she really did drink vodka that night. So why all of the hype about Kombucha and its alcohol content? People simply are speculating that Lindsay was drinking it for its slight alcohol content… which has led to an investigation and the forced recall of the product.

Those of us who enjoyed it before this Lohan drama knew that it sometimes made us sleepy or silly. But now that a person with an alleged chemical dependency problem is all over the news with our tea, it is being taken away from us. And so, although Lindsay didn’t blame Kombucha for her alcohol violation, she inadvertently brought the issue of the tea’s alcohol content to the media’s awareness. Therefore, I still blame her. I also still blame her for f-ing up The Parent Trap… Hayley Mills’ classic role deserved better than what Lohan did to it, but that is a discussion for another day.